Dr. Sex: It’s All About
Communication
by Keith Waltrip, LPC
This article is an
extension of a letter I wrote to the editorial section of
a local paper and it addresses the difficulty around communication
and disclosure of status. My intention is not to place blame
or shame on anyone, but to help individuals understand how
their actions affect others, and take responsibility for themselves.
The first issue concerns
couples (emphasis is on couples and not tricks or one-night
stands) in which one person is HIV-positive and the other
is negative. The partner who is positive is fully aware of
his/her status and does not disclose this to the partner or
lies and states they are negative. Now let me add another
layer to this; the couple has been together for some time.
With that there is a sense of trust in which condom usage
may decrease or not used at all—which is understandable. Now
add that the person who is HIV-positive is exchanging bodily
fluids with their partner. What formula do we have here? A
perfect formula for an infection.
I have been told a number
of reasons for this behavior including fear of rejection or
losing the person they love. While these reasons are understandable,
be aware that if you love someone then be honest with them.
Placing them at risk without their knowledge is life threatening
and even criminal. Being HIV-positive and sharing that information
can be difficult. However, there are plenty of organizations
across the U.S. that can help someone learn ways to share
their HIV status with a loved one.
The best example I have of
this is when I tested a woman of color for HIV in her 50s.
She stated she just found out her boyfriend of five years
was HIV-positive and never told her. I asked if they used
protection and she stated, “Why would we use protection when
we were in a relationship and living together?” Made sense
to me. I then informed her that if she wanted to press charges
she could. She stated she could not do that and I stated I
understood. She then said, “No you don’t. He died three days
ago from AIDS and that is how I found out.” Guess what—she
came back positive.
My point with all of this
is communication. Telling a loved one your status is hard—I
understand. What is even harder is trying to explain to that
person why you did not tell them or lied to them. In the case
of the woman I counseled, her communication ended and was
buried. She was left alone with no answers and no support
from her “loved” one.
The second issue has to do
with tricks/one-night stands. I again have worked with individuals
in which they did everything right. They asked the person
who was going to be the insertive partner/top to use a condom.
The person obliged and put a condom on. The insertive partner/top
at some point took the condom off and ejaculated inside the
receptive partner/bottom. If someone does not like using condoms—then
the individual should be honest from the beginning and share
that information. Don’t mislead someone.
My example for this case
was that after my original letter to the editor was published,
I received a thank you card from a gay man in his early 20s.
He stated that he took home a trick and saw the person put
on a condom. He stated after they were done he noticed the
person no longer had the condom on. He asked the person what
happened and he replied that he did not like condoms and took
it off. Guess what—he came back positive. He stated that when
he tried to talk to his friends about this and warn them,
they did not believe him. For him my letter was now proof
that this happens. This person did what was right–he asked
for a condom. (For those of you who are saying it could have
been someone else that the infection happened from—it was
not).
My suggestions for addressing
these issues are fairly simple: when entering a relationship
test for HIV/STDs together, discuss the results in the presence
of an HIV counselor. Have a discussion about condoms, whether
the relationship is going to be exclusive or open (I often
heard, “How could I be positive? I am in a monogamous relationship.”)
or how to maintain open communication about sexually difficult
issues. During sex, check occasionally to make sure the condom
is still in place, has not broken or was removed. My belief
is that everyone is responsible to take care of himself/herself.
Waiting for someone to tell you their status (or be truthful
about it) may not happen. I advise people that if you do not
know the person—get it in your mind that he/she is HIV-positive
regardless of what they say, look like or do and act accordingly.
Until you can test together—take care of yourself first. It
really all comes down to a matter of basic human dignity,
trust and respect.
Keith Waltrip is Director of Programs
at TPAN. He can be reached at TPANProgrm@aol.com.
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