Radical Red: Li’l Fucker
by Laura Jones
I started doing this
sexual health activism stuff in the early 90’s, when I was
around twenty. Way back then, when I was young and impressionable,
I had a conversation with a man I’ve mentally named “Li’l
Fucker.” I hope it’s not breaking confidentiality to reproduce
it here, because I can still remember it verbatim (and probably
always will):
Li’l Fucker: “I got
syphilis from this whore I was banging. Is that curable?”
Me: “Yes. Syphilis
is a bacterial infection; it’s curable if you get it treated
with penicillin.”
LF: “Yeah, I got that.”
Me: “Then you should
be cured.”
LF: “What about my
wife? Should I make her get treated?”
Me: “Did you have
sex with your wife while you had syphilis?”
LF: “Well, yeah! Of
course I had sex with my wife! And if she doesn’t get treated,
then she’s going to give that shit right back to me, isn’t
she?”
Um, yeah. Those wives can
be awfully inconsiderate when it comes to re-infecting you
with infections they don’t know you’ve given them. Bitches.
How could they?
I never spoke with Li’l Fucker
again, but I’ve had conversations with many of his brethren
over the last ten years. None of the Brethren have been as
openly and pathologically sexist as LF, at least not while
speaking to me. They’ve had other names and other stories:
Bachelor party. Forest preserve. Business trip. Chat-line
hookup. On the down-low. But-I-love-my-children. And while
their circumstances vary, they all have these things in common:
A) they have HIV or a sexually-transmitted infection, or are
having sex that puts them at high risk for such; and B) they’re
also having sex with a wife or girlfriend who has no idea
she’s at risk for infection.
Some of them have been stepping
outside for years. Others “never, ever thought they would,”
but did.
Just once. Every weekend.
To see what it was like. Because they were drunk. Because
they were out of town. Because they can’t help themselves.
Because their woman won’t do “that.” Because their woman isn’t
a man.
When they tell me they’re
having high-risk sex with one or more people while continuing
to have sex with their wife or girlfriend, I ask the pertinent
questions. Does their partner know about the other person/people?
Do they use condoms with their wife/girlfriend? If not, how
are they reducing the chance of passing an infection to their
wife/girlfriend? Are they going to tell their wife/girlfriend
if or when they pick up an infection, including HIV?
“I can’t tell her about
this—she’d leave me.” “I can’t use a condom—she’s on the Pill.”
“I can’t avoid having sex with her—she’d wonder what was wrong.”
“I can’t tell her I have (insert infection here). She’d never
forgive me.”
“I don’t want to hurt
her.” “I don’t want to have to move out.” “I don’t want to
lose my kids.” “I don’t want to see her cry.”
I don’t want to be “that
way.” Gay. Bisexual. Not-a-man.
If all you male readers think
I’m going to bust out the Whoop-Ass here and paint the wall
with these individuals’ blood: Think again. I’m not out for
vengeance. I’m not the judge or the jury here…I’ve done a
partner wrong before too, so that’s not my place.
What I’m out for is Accountability.
Responsibility. Whatever “ability” makes men realize their
wives’ and girlfriends’ health—these women’s lives—simply
matters more than their emotional turmoil or everyday comfort.
Whatever will make them act accordingly, whether that means
committing to safer sex with outside partners…breaking out
the condoms or avoiding sex with the wife/girlfriend until
those test results come back…telling a woman you’ve exposed
her to an infection…starting an honest discussion about bisexuality
or polyamorous relationships (sometimes you can re-negotiate
that monogamy thing—you might be surprised!)…or simply saying
“I can’t do this anymore. I have to leave.”
Most men are not Li’l Fuckers—and
yes, yes, women need to take responsibility for protecting
themselves from HIV/STDs. But it’s a little different when
you have a monogamy agreement. One of the best things about
a monogamy agreement is the assumption that you don’t have
to use those damn rubbers anymore (did you think we liked
them? BWAAHH!).
But monogamy isn’t masturbation—you
can’t do it alone. And as women’s HIV and STD rates continue
to skyrocket, we need men to come to terms with their behavior.
Yes, we need to take care of ourselves, but we need our men
to take care of us too.
Because if seeing a woman
cry is bad, imagine what it’s like to see her sick. Or dead.
Laura Jones is a sexual health
activist and the Hotline Coordinator for the Illinois AIDS/HIV
& STD Hotline.
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