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Livin' with it:
The Dating Game
by Tom Setto
Ken was recovering from choking on his
omelet and our waitress at the Montrose Diner, Jenny, was helping
Gary wipe his spilled coffee from the table. Miguel and Jerome
were staring in disbelief with their mouths open. Finally Joey
was able to speak, “What did you say?”
I repeated, “I’ve been thinking
about starting to date again.”
You see, I have been thinking a lot
about trying the dating world again and quite frankly I’m
frightened. My exile from the world of one-on-one relations
has been self-imposed. The relationships I have with my friends
and family have been enough to satisfy my social needs. I haven’t
been on a real date in nearly nine years.
Dating for a 45-year-old gay man is
tough enough but for a 45-year-old gay man living with AIDS
it’s downright complicated. That’s why I’ve been
avoiding it. Jerome and Miguel have each been in a committed
relationship for a few years now but the other men at the table
date regularly. I was just hoping to get some help and advice
dealing with the new rules of the game.
“Man, I thought you were campaigning
to be the poster boy for the George Bush Abstinence Program,”
Jerome joked.
“I didn’t think that sex and
dating were necessarily one and the same,” I said. “I’m
not just looking for a quickie. Been there, done that and that’s
still somewhat easy to find if I want it. Sex is not the only
thing on my mind anymore. What I want is friendship, commitment,
and intimacy, the things I had in my last long-term relationship
after the immediate excitement of the sex ended. I just don’t
know where to find it anymore. Is it selfish to want to meet
someone who has just a little less baggage to deal with than
I do? I figured you guys could give me a few tips for dating
in the new millennium.
“And I think the rules have changed.
At first I thought it wouldn’t matter if the other person
was positive or negative but now I’m not so sure,”
I added.
“You’re so right,” Gary
said. “I’ve been dating this guy who is HIV negative
and it just doesn’t feel right. Everything is good but
there is that one big issue that he just doesn’t get. We
both understand that protection is mandatory. And yes, we are
having sex.”
“I know a lot of couples that are
serodiscordant, that’s what it’s called,” Ken
jumped in. “They are very happy, they just know their limits
when it comes to sex. You shouldn’t look at only positive
guys to date, there are negative men who don’t use status
as a barrier for dating.”
“I just think that since I am so
out of practice, at dating and I guess sex too, I really should
stick with positive men though. That would probably keep things
less complicated. But where do I find them?”
“There’s always the Internet,”
Joey answered. “I’ve had some great time with guys
I met online or through personals.”
“That’s exactly what I’m
trying to say,” I answered. “Everywhere I look it
seems to be all about the sex. Where are all the guys who want
to get to know someone before hopping in the sack? Remember,
that’s how most of us got to this point in the first place.
“Don’t bother suggesting the
bars either. You guys know I’m not real big on bars anymore.
I still go now and then but I don’t feel as comfortable
in clubs as when I was more of a party boy. Plus now that I
feel like I have the ‘look of HIV’ there are times
that I don’t feel very attractive and that others can tell
right away what my status is.”
“Does that really matter to you?”
Jerome asked. “You said that you preferred a positive guy
so that will make things easier.”
“That brings up another problem,”
I interrupted. “When do you tell someone?” How do
you all deal with it?”
Ken answered right away, “I think
you should say something as quickly as possible. Don’t
force it like, ‘Nice weather we’re having. By the
way I have AIDS’ but do it as quickly as you can, especially
since it is important to you.”
“You know sometimes I wait. I almost
always tell before we have sex, but there have been times when
I haven’t. I’m not perfect, but I try,” Gary
said.
“The whole sex thing has me worried.
It’s been awhile. I have no problem talking about it. It’s
been so long I don’t know what I like anymore. I guess
it should be fun finding out. I can’t believe it’s
been so long. When I got really sick I didn’t feel like
it, when I got KS I didn’t think anyone would want me,
when I started the meds I lost the desire. All of a sudden it
was like seven years and was just easier to go without.”
“And now you’re ready to jump
back in, literally,” Miguel laughed. “You know once
you start you aren’t going to quit. And if you need help
you can always use the little blue pill. It’s supposed
to be helpful for guys your age,” he said jokingly.
“That’s another thing, I’m
not over the hill but I am on the other side of middle age.
It was much easier way back when. All you had to do is hook
up and find a dark corner. Miguel, you and Jerome never really
got to experience the free love of the seventies. AIDS has been
around almost all of your adult lives. It sure has complicated
things, to put it lightly.”
“And not just for gay men either,”
Miguel added. “In one of my support groups we were talking
about this very thing. A woman in the group was complaining
that it is so hard to find men. Being HIV-positive for a woman,
she said, really limits her choices. For her to find a heterosexual
man living with HIV who is not just looking for easy sex is
next to impossible.”
“I hope in my case that’s
not the issue. We’ll see. There’s so much for me to
absorb, so much to learn. I’ll keep you posted.” |
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