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San Francisco rider Jonathon
Pon founded the Positive Pedelers several years ago. Pon had
a vision of HIV positive riders supporting each other throughout
training, fundraising and along the ride route. As visibility
of Pos Peds grew in California, its tradition spread to AIDS
Rides around the country. Each AIDS Ride now has a Pos Ped
team recognized with the jerseys and flags, and participation
in the Opening and Closing Ceremonies. Jonathon passed away
last year and leaves a legacy in the Pos Peds for all rides
dedicated to raising money and awareness for AIDS. For that
I thank him.
Over the past few years I
have felt fortunate to participate in the Heartland AIDS Ride
as a member of Pos Ped. I have been inspired and hopefully
inspired others. What I do know is that I’ve joined others
in making a powerful statement about how we view HIV.
This was not always the case
though. The first year I rode in an AIDS Ride, I discovered
how I could be “stopped” in the face of fear and judgment.
In 1998, I arrived in Minneapolis for my first AIDS Ride experience.
I was terrified yet exhilarated as I had trained for months,
raised the needed donations to participate and now only had
to prove to myself I could ride a bike from Minneapolis to
Chicago. At the registration site, I saw a table for the Pos
Peds and suddenly my fears and what I would later interpret
as selfishness arose. I recall telling a friend that I could
never do that, I mean why would I ever want to ride a bike
through rural Wisconsin waving a flag screaming “I’m infected—come
look at me.” I felt that I didn’t need to be an activist on
the ride. I had done my share of lying on Capitol steps, confronting
politicians, and demanding better access to services and funding.
Why would I need to do that on the AIDS Ride?
By Day Three of the event
I learned the error of my thinking. I saw the Pos Peds riding
with their flags and jerseys. They were not being confrontational
by waving their orange flags in peoples’ faces. Nor were they
demanding attention or monopolizing other riders’ time with
their ideals. Nor was there shame in riding through central
Wisconsin with visible symbols disclosing positive status.
Most importantly though was my impression of grace and bravery
in sharing with the ride community and the world that there
is power in openness. I learned that day that with a very
simple gesture I could contribute to an entire community.
I learned that in a sense, I had made a choice to be selfish
about who I am. I realized that I was participating in the
ride with a selfish intent, one of proving to myself that
I could ride my bike from Minneapolis to Chicago. My focus
on the ride was on the specifics I could get out of it rather
than being part of an experience shared by the entire ride
community.
This realization opened up
possibilities that I couldn’t imagine. After proving to myself
that I could do the ride, I had a feeling I could accomplish
anything I put my heart and mind to completing. I could take
on the world without selfish intent, sharing myself fully;
clearly available to what others in the world had to offer.
I chose to take on the ride again. This time without regard
for myself, but really doing the event for others—helping
other riders along, helping the beneficiaries provide services
to their clients, being part of an event that knows no emotional
boundaries and is only limited by the actions and beliefs
of those participating.
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I arrived in Minneapolis
the next year with a new sense of freedom. My first stop that
year was the Pos Ped table where I joined the team. Admittedly,
it was a little scary, but also comforting to know that I
was joining a team of other riders who undoubtedly have similar
experiences as my own and go through many of the same fears
and stopping points as I do. As I signed my name and picked
up my jersey and bright orange flag, I felt a feeling of joy
knowing that I was going to ride as a flag waving Pos Ped
cheerleader. I was a force of nature rather than a selfish
victim of circumstances. I was unstoppable in my conviction
to make the ride as empowering for others as it had been for
me the previous year.
As I reunited with old friends,
some from the last ride and others from long before in college,
I suddenly faced the fear of disclosure. I realized this was
the first test. I had to not only face the issue of telling
old friends I am positive, but also I had to face the fact
that I felt like a selfish jerk the year before. As we were
going through registration lines, I remember hearing from
Anna, an old friend from college who had also done the ride
the year prior, “That’s a great jersey, where did you get
it?” As beads of sweat started building on my forehead, I
told her it was a Pos Ped jersey. After a very brief moment
of silence she responded with indelible warmth and just said,
“I love you, Jeff.” Others around us in line started asking
about the Pos Peds and I was suddenly rushed with such unbelievable
support from complete strangers that I started to understand
what the AIDS Ride community is about. I was surrounded by
people who, for whatever their reason, are driven by the possibility
to make a difference in the world. I understood that without
even knowing me, they cared for me, my well-being, and my
presence on the ride.
As the ride continued that
year, selfishness and insecurity decided to rear its ugly
head again. Was this another test? After riding for hours
in a torrential downpour of rain, following a night of virtually
no sleep because of rain, I decided I couldn’t go on for one
more turn of the wheel. It was sheer misery. As I was struggling
with each pedal stroke, I knew it was perfectly OK to give
up. Anybody would agree that being positive, I probably should
not be out riding in pouring rain and strong winds, basically
freezing my ass off. Just when I was ready to pull over and
wait for a sag wagon, another rider came up behind me, looking
as exhausted and “over it” as I was, and told me that if I
could do it he could too. Together we rode in a downpour for
another ten miles until we reached the next pit stop. Again
I was given a chance to move beyond my own limits while supporting
another rider in expanding his horizons.
The generosity of all the
riders and crew continued in what has become the reputation
of kindness on the AIDS Rides. People simply go out of their
way to help others. I frequently took the opportunity to cheer
riders up steep hills, visit with children selling lemonade
along the ride route, talking with spectators about why I
do the AIDS Ride and how important the Pos Peds are both for
me as an individual and for the entire ride experience. We
provide a source of information on HIV and AIDS as well as
giving a face and personality to the disease.
Last year on the AIDS Ride,
I met a young woman who was riding for the first time. She
was riding for her brother who had passed away from AIDS the
year prior. Doing the ride was her way of trying to let go
of her brother, as her knowledge of the details of his illness
was very minor. As we spoke while riding through the rolling
hills of Wisconsin, she gave me the gift of remembering her
brother as the active wild person she knew. She told me how
I reminded her of her brother. I don’t know, perhaps it was
the heat or humidity or something, but I felt a unique connection
to her. As we rode, she seemed to realize that her anger toward
her brother’s HIV infection was more sadness over her loss.
She thanked me for being so open about being positive, how
it does and doesn’t impact my life. After all, with the exception
of a few circumstances caused by meds, my life has only altered
where I have allowed it to or caused it to.
The impact of riding as a
Pos Ped is different for everyone. For many like myself, it
is a place of freedom where the fear of discrimination is
replaced by respect and compassion. It is an opportunity to
give something back to the world. For others it is a form
of activism and visibility; a chance to have our collective
voices be heard. Whatever the case, Pos Peds has given me
the gift of moving beyond my perceived selfish limitations
and the opportunity to open myself to the compassion offered
by others, for others.
Jeffrey Allen is the Events
Coordinator at Test Positive Aware Network. For more information
on Pos Peds, please contact him at jeffrey@tpan.com.
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