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At 26, Greg was all set to
get married when Frank walked through the door of his workplace.
It was love at first sight. Greg put aside all thought of
blending into the straight world. The two men have been together
ever since.
One thing, however, didn’t
change for Greg: his intense desire to have a child. “I
think that’s the main reason why he came out as late
as he did,” says Frank.
Frank was “the one,”
but he was also living with HIV. For a while, his health was
too shaky for him to consider parenting. Then, just around
the time of the new HAART (Highly Active Antiretroviral Therapy)
era in 1995, when his health greatly improved, the couple
read a story about a program for orphaned children near their
home. “It really struck me. We’re highly educated
and have many resources to share with a child. It started
us talking about being parents.”
Those conversations continued
over a long period of time. Frank continued to enjoy good
health. Greg’s family began to have children. “The
more I spent time with my nieces and nephews, the more I felt
I wanted to be a parent.”
The two men joined a gay
parenting support group. “Within a year, most people
were adopting. Every time you turned around, there was a new
baby. I started thinking about things that were missing in
my life. My health was stable—a great gift that I never
expected. I wasn’t thinking in terms of one year or five
years anymore. I could see into the future.”
Finally, Greg and Frank were
ready. They had already spent years talking with other couples
and weighing several options, including a surrogate mother
and international adoption.
The couple, however, did
not understand the passion many people have for a “biological”
child. “I always want to say, what does it matter? People
probably feel they can’t love an adopted child as much
without that biological relationship. We never saw parenthood
that way. Greg and I are strong supporters of adoption.”
Moreover, they wanted to adopt a child who may otherwise not
be adopted.
They began the paperwork
with an adoption agency that helps gay couples. Greg, especially,
felt very comfortable with this agency. Because gay couples
face special problems in adopting, Greg, who is HIV-negative,
was adopting as a single parent. The process often involves
separate agencies, each with its own philosophy, rules and
sometimes, even legislative jurisdictions.
First there was a home study.
Why do you want to be a parent? What do you think your parenting
style will be? What was your childhood like?
Then there was a health form,
which differs from region to region. All “roommates”
had to complete the health questionnaire. “This was a
big let-down to me emotionally,” Frank says.
They consulted two different
lawyers. One suggested Frank go to a “doc in a box”
clinic to get his paperwork done. But they wanted to run an
HIV test. Frank walked away. Feeling hopeless, he talked to
his own doctor about the situation. Having been Frank’s
physician for a long time, that doctor felt comfortable signing
off on health form. He knew Frank is the picture of health.
With all the “T”s
crossed and the “I”s dotted, within a year, Greg
and Frank had a child. After the adoption was completed, they
were able to both register as Michael’s parent in their
city.
“The day we got
Michael was the happiest day of our life,” says Frank.
Greg and Frank now have a
beautiful, playful child who’s full of charm. He’s
also a very smart kid who keeps them on their toes.
Frank has survived HIV for
20 years. He’s completely healthy. “I’m more
worried about my heart than I am about HIV!” he says.
He’s getting older, and though he’s slim and trim
and works out regularly, his older brother, a non-smoker,
recently survived a heart attack, giving Frank “family
history” to consider in terms of his own risk. During
the adoption process, Frank—like many expectant parents—was
afraid for his health. He says that, “Having lived through
so much suffering and death, I was afraid of dying and leaving
Greg alone to raise this child.” He’s not anymore.
All is well.
“I feel that already
six or seven years later, everyone has forgotten what it was
like from 1986 to 1996. I don’t want to re-live it, but
there seems to be a deliberate move to forget, even by people
who lived through it. The losing of so many friends. It will
always be a part of my life. But it makes me a better parent.
“[Adopting Michael]
is the best decision I’ve ever made in my life, no doubt.
I’m glad I did it when I did it. HIV was no longer central
to my life. I’m old enough to be able to offer a lot
to parenthood, and I’m enjoying it.”
“I’ve always
tried to not let this virus and this disease take away anything
that I really wanted. I always said, ‘You’re not
going to have the upper hand.’ ”
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